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Thread: I learned in church today

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    BYU Delenda Est Mormon Red Death's Avatar
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    Default I learned in church today

    That when a prophet specifically says he isn't prophesying but giving counsel he really is prophesying
    "Be a philosopher. A man can compromise to gain a point. It has become apparent that a man can, within limits, follow his inclinations within the arms of the Church if he does so discreetly." - The Walking Drum

    "And here’s what life comes down to—not how many years you live, but how many of those years are filled with bullshit that doesn’t amount to anything to satisfy the requirements of some dickhead you’ll never get the pleasure of punching in the face." – Adam Carolla

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    RIP CUF DU Ute's Avatar
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    We really need an ongoing "Falsehoods I heard in Church today" thread.
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    Straight Out the Trailer Slim's Avatar
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    The speaker today was talking about Ammon feeding horses and I got so caught up thinking about the lack of evidence for precolumbian horses in the Americas that I totally missed her point. This kind of thing happens to me every Sunday.

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    Boom Bitches!!! BlueHair's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slim View Post
    The speaker today was talking about Ammon feeding horses and I got so caught up thinking about the lack of evidence for precolumbian horses in the Americas that I totally missed her point. This kind of thing happens to me every Sunday.
    Just out of curiousity, why do you continue to attend? It seems like a different church might be a better fit. I've been pondering attending different services. The problem is, I think my family would be more upset about me attending another church than not attending at all.

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    Straight Out the Trailer Slim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueHair View Post
    Just out of curiousity, why do you continue to attend? It seems like a different church might be a better fit. I've been pondering attending different services. The problem is, I think my family would be more upset about me attending another church than not attending at all.
    I continue to attend because it makes my wife happy. Also my mother and grandmother would be crushed if I stopped.

    If I did "leave" the church it certainly wouldn't be to attend a different one.
    Last edited by Slim; 07-18-2010 at 11:00 AM.

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    Boom Bitches!!! BlueHair's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slim View Post
    I continue to attend because it makes my wife happy. Also my mother and grandmother would be crushed if I stopped.

    If I did "leave" the church it certainly wouldn't be to attend a different one.
    This is exactly how I've felt for years, until recently. I'm starting to feel like something is missing in my life, but every time I attend a Mormon service, I'm reminded it's not that. Maybe I just need to set aside some quiet time each week to ponder the mysteries of the universe.

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    I learned that missionaries who go to Australia return with a strong Aussie accent. At least for the first several minutes of a sacrament talk.

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    Senior Member Clark Addison's Avatar
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    Our High Council speaker quoted from "An Enemy Hath Done This", but unfortunately, it wasn't one of the exciting parts.

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    I learned that the Roman empire fell due to homosexuality and that we need to learn from history or we will will repeat it.
    "I don't mind giving the church 10% of my earnings, but 50% of my weekend mornings? Not as long as DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket is around." - Daniel Tosh

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    𐐐𐐄𐐢𐐆𐐤𐐝 𐐓𐐅 𐐜 𐐢𐐃𐐡𐐔 Uncle Ted's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slim View Post
    The speaker today was talking about Ammon feeding horses and I got so caught up thinking about the lack of evidence for precolumbian horses in the Americas that I totally missed her point. This kind of thing happens to me every Sunday.
    My great grandfather dug up a bunch of precolumbian horse bones in Wyoming for the Yale Peabody. They had three toes on each foot and were kind of too small to ride, however.

    "If there is one thing I am, it's always right." -Ted Nugent.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Nugent View Post
    My great grandfather dug up a bunch of precolumbian horse bones in Wyoming for the Yale Peabody. They had three toes on each foot and were kind of too small to ride, however.

    Slim just got owned!
    *Banned*

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Nugent View Post
    My great grandfather dug up a bunch of precolumbian horse bones in Wyoming for the Yale Peabody. They had three toes on each foot and were kind of too small to ride, however.

    Hmmm... did the events described in the BOM happen 50 million years ago?

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    Straight Out the Trailer Slim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cougjunkie View Post
    Slim just got owned!
    Considering the three toed mini-horses roamed the earth about the same time as these curelums


    It all makes sense now. We're just way off on the BOM timeline.
    Last edited by Slim; 07-18-2010 at 05:40 PM.

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    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    We had a dust up over Wikipedia in PH meeting.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed most—watching BYU lose."

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    Quote Originally Posted by myboynoah View Post
    We had a dust up over Wikipedia in PH meeting.
    Sounds intense!

    I learned that I shouldn't give my two-year old three pieces of gum right before he goes into nursery.

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    Ragnar Lodbrok Descendant SoCalCoug's Avatar
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    I learned in church today that when you look back and see only one set of footprints in the sand, it isn't because Jesus abandoned you, but because he was carrying you.
    If we disagree on something, it's because you're wrong.

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    I learned in church how to make delicious fresh salsa to accompany organic tortilla chips and beer to be consumed while streaming episodes of Rescue Me... oh wait, that wasn't church, that was my kitchen and living room. Wait now, maybe church was when I was reading and playing cards by the pool... nope, I think that was just hanging out with Faith. Or was that church where LR and I met his new guitar teacher and then walked over to Borders to read comic books? Nope.

    Now that I think of it, I don't think there was any church at all today. What a waste of a Sunday!

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    Invisible Swordsman DrumNFeather's Avatar
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    Does one have to attend to post a falsehood?
    "They're good. They've always been good" - David Shaw.

    Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

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    My buddy, while a missionary in the Phillippines, learned during fast and testimony meeting that "A dream is a vision if you remember it in the morning."

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueHair View Post
    This is exactly how I've felt for years, until recently. I'm starting to feel like something is missing in my life, but every time I attend a Mormon service, I'm reminded it's not that. Maybe I just need to set aside some quiet time each week to ponder the mysteries of the universe.
    attend more art museums and galleries. good for the soul.
    Dio perdona tante cose per un’opera di misericordia
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    Liberal Feminazi Pheidippides's Avatar
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    I learned from church yesterday that it is a woman's responsibility to figure out what the priesthood holders are being told to do by leadership so they make sure their husbands do it. This from the SP and his high councilor. Said message was not well received in my particular corner of the chapel and would have been greeted by my public and obvious departure but for the fact that I didn't want the brownies I made for my primary class to go to waste.
    Awesomeness now has a name. Let me introduce myself.

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    Not Banned Tim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by myboynoah View Post
    We had a dust up over Wikipedia in PH meeting.
    LOL! That teacher was a total jackass!
    Visca Catalunya Lliure

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    Senior Member byu71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikuman View Post
    I learned from church yesterday that it is a woman's responsibility to figure out what the priesthood holders are being told to do by leadership so they make sure their husbands do it. This from the SP and his high councilor. Said message was not well received in my particular corner of the chapel and would have been greeted by my public and obvious departure but for the fact that I didn't want the brownies I made for my primary class to go to waste.
    I love hearing stuff like this. It makes me feel strenghtened in my belief that SP's and HC's advice isn't always something I have to follow.

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    Board Bookworm happyone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SoCalCoug View Post
    I learned in church today that when you look back and see only one set of footprints in the sand, it isn't because Jesus abandoned you, but because he was carrying you.
    We must have attended the same Sacrament mgt

    I may be small, but I'm slow.

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  25. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by SoCalCoug View Post
    I learned in church today that when you look back and see only one set of footprints in the sand, it isn't because Jesus abandoned you, but because he was carrying you.
    Did you chime in about butt prints in the sand?

    http://www.cougaruteforum.com/showpo...2&postcount=39

  26. #26

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    I accompanied our youth to do baptisms for the dead last week. While we were waiting in the baptristry chapel, the brother presiding over the baptistry spoke to the youth, many of whom were there doing baptisms for the first time. During his sermon, he was emphasizing the importance of vicarious temple work when he stated the following:

    "It has been estimated that 80 to 85 percent of the temple work we do for the dead is accepted by those in the spirit world for whom the work is performed."

    I was quickly found covering my mouth to prevent myself from laughing out loud.
    Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them, along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark “egg on your face”! -- Moss

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    Senior Member byu71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donuthole View Post
    I accompanied our youth to do baptisms for the dead last week. While we were waiting in the baptristry chapel, the brother presiding over the baptistry spoke to the youth, many of whom were there doing baptisms for the first time. During his sermon, he was emphasizing the importance of vicarious temple work when he stated the following:

    "It has been estimated that 80 to 85 percent of the temple work we do for the dead is accepted by those in the spirit world for whom the work is performed."

    I was quickly found covering my mouth to prevent myself from laughing out loud.
    Why wouldn't it be 99.5%. I mean all those that weren't Christian would know Christ was the correct choice. I would assume they also can find out the LDS church is the only true Christian church.

  28. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by byu71 View Post
    Why wouldn't it be 99.5%. I mean all those that weren't Christian would know Christ was the correct choice. I would assume they also can find out the LDS church is the only true Christian church.
    Why do you think I felt like laughing?
    Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them, along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark “egg on your face”! -- Moss

    There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. --Coach Finstock

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    Senior Member byu71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donuthole View Post
    Why do you think I felt like laughing?
    I would have probably been quite sad. He was a Temple Worker after all and would know the 85% to be accurate. I mean he had to get that number for some really high up person in the church.

    By the way, why do some people say someone died because they had to be called to the other side to do missionary work. How hard could missionary work be on the other side?

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    Liberal Feminazi Pheidippides's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donuthole View Post
    I accompanied our youth to do baptisms for the dead last week. While we were waiting in the baptristry chapel, the brother presiding over the baptistry spoke to the youth, many of whom were there doing baptisms for the first time. During his sermon, he was emphasizing the importance of vicarious temple work when he stated the following:

    "It has been estimated that 80 to 85 percent of the temple work we do for the dead is accepted by those in the spirit world for whom the work is performed."

    I was quickly found covering my mouth to prevent myself from laughing out loud.
    LOL! That's one of the worst statements I've ever heard. I am wondering where they get the spirit pencils to fill out that particular survey.
    Awesomeness now has a name. Let me introduce myself.

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