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Thread: I learned in church today

  1. #7891
    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    Dude, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
    I'm not.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed most—watching BYU lose."

  2. #7892
    Local Character clackamascoug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moliere View Post
    Duh. Blue darts.
    I brought a box of matches in about ten years ago, and they're still there. Every once in a while (like Sunday) I'll light a match, let it burn, then blow it out. The smoke leaves a campfire smell in the air and trumps any other smells. Yesterday the Bishop walks in and stops... I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I flicked my head towards my buddy whose face is in the computer... and he gave me a manly nod of understanding.

    Clerks offices are small for you inactive guys.

    When poet puts pen to paper imagination breathes life, finding hearth and home.
    -Mid Summer's Night Dream


  3. #7893

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    mbn is cold, man.
    I'm like LeBron James.
    -mpfunk

  4. #7894
    it's all a blur mtnbiker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by clackamascoug View Post
    I brought a box of matches in about ten years ago, and they're still there. Every once in a while (like Sunday) I'll light a match, let it burn, then blow it out. The smoke leaves a campfire smell in the air and trumps any other smells. Yesterday the Bishop walks in and stops... I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I flicked my head towards my buddy whose face is in the computer... and he gave me a manly nod of understanding.

    Clerks offices are small for you inactive guys.
    so... what Moliere said.

  5. #7895

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    Quote Originally Posted by smokymountainrain View Post
    mbn is cold, man.
    So cold, at least he didn't say that he hoped that I lost a shiny because of the church WiFi issue.
    The crux of what has traumatized us about CUF/CG is that we thought they were our friends. And their identity as BYU fans turned out to be the most important thing to them. What empty lives! What a damning indictment of the LDS Church!
    --SeattleUte

    He who drinks beer sleeps well. He who sleeps well cannot sin. He who does not sin goes to heaven. The logic is impeccable.
    --Charles W. Bamforth, Ph.D.

  6. #7896

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    Quote Originally Posted by MartyFunkhouser View Post
    So cold, at least he didn't say that he hoped that I lost a shiny because of the church WiFi issue.
    I mean, he's not heartless.

  7. #7897
    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Just had a sacrament meeting talk based on Finding Dori and how it relates to the atonement. By an adult male. It's his favorite movie.
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

    GIVE 'EM HELL, BRIGHAM!

  8. #7898

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    Quote Originally Posted by falafel View Post
    Just had a sacrament meeting talk based on Finding Dori and how it relates to the atonement. By an adult male. It's his favorite movie.
    playing the long game to avoid a nursery calling.
    Te Occidere Possunt Sed Te Edere Non Possunt Nefas Est.

  9. #7899

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    I learned that when the bishop calls you to be over your son's quorum activities, because your son is the only member of his quorum, you're going to be sustained as a member of the YM Presidency, even if the words "presidency" or "counselor" were never uttered during the conversation.

  10. #7900
    Huge Member BigPiney's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LVAllen View Post
    I learned that when the bishop calls you to be over your son's quorum activities, because your son is the only member of his quorum, you're going to be sustained as a member of the YM Presidency, even if the words "presidency" or "counselor" were never uttered during the conversation.
    That is great. Still hope you guys combine with another quorum.

  11. #7901
    Princeps Inter Pares
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    Quote Originally Posted by LVAllen View Post
    I learned that when the bishop calls you to be over your son's quorum activities, because your son is the only member of his quorum, you're going to be sustained as a member of the YM Presidency, even if the words "presidency" or "counselor" were never uttered during the conversation.
    Not if you oppose.
    τὸν ἥλιον ἀνατέλλοντα πλείονες ἢ δυόμενον προσκυνοῦσιν

  12. #7902

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    Tal,omg about Joseph and Mary up and leaving, someone brought up the lesson of what if we were asked to go to Missiouri and someone randomly called out names, a few people got called some didn.t. Then someone getting back from senior mission went to church in Missiouri several Samoans there were told to move to the us by stake president. Then he questioned if it was legit. Church leaders donlt tell people to immigrate.

  13. #7903
    Members Only Dwight Schr-ute's Avatar
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    Yesterday, I learned that we’re not adequately preparing our missionaries for returning to normal life. We had a sister missionary who had just returned from the Denver South mission (she told us about 7 times) who obviously didn’t even realize that we now have two hour church. She was the first speaker and concluded at 10:07. The bishop stood up afterwards and said that we look forward to hearing from Brother so and so at a future time. We didn’t even have a one verse closing hymn. Straight to the prayer.


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    I told him he was a goddamn Nazi Stormtrooper.

  14. #7904
    it's all a blur mtnbiker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dwight Schr-ute View Post
    Yesterday, I learned that we’re not adequately preparing our missionaries for returning to normal life. We had a sister missionary who had just returned from the Denver South mission (she told us about 7 times) who obviously didn’t even realize that we now have two hour church. She was the first speaker and concluded at 10:07. The bishop stood up afterwards and said that we look forward to hearing from Brother so and so at a future time. We didn’t even have a one verse closing hymn. Straight to the prayer.
    Other than her repeating the name of the mission so many times, was it a good talk and worth the time?

  15. #7905
    Members Only Dwight Schr-ute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mtnbiker View Post
    Other than her repeating the name of the mission so many times, was it a good talk and worth the time?
    Not it wasn’t. The whole thing was like 25 minutes of her stream of consciousness. It was nice when little pieces of her mission language poked through, like when she said, “We had this investigator that we were really stoked about.” That made it a little more interesting. Mostly it was just confusing and disappointing, though. When she got choked up introducing herself, I knew we were in for it.


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    I told him he was a goddamn Nazi Stormtrooper.

  16. #7906
    Senior Member Eddie's Avatar
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    I went to a Missionary homecoming Sunday. When you combine a stack of new 11 year-old deacons with an overflowing capacity crowd, it makes for a disastrous Sacrament portion of the meeting. Seriously, by the time they got done there were only 20 minutes left for the speakers.

    Next a sister gets up and says something along the lines of "The RM told me I could take all of the time. But I'm not going to do that - we want to hear what he has to say too!" Only, she then proceeds to speak for 15 of the 20 minutes remaining. Next comes a musical number (Come Thou Font, sung by members of the RM's family, accompanied by the RM) and by the time the RM gets up to speak, we've got 2 minutes left of meeting.

    The kid did a good job of condensing his 15 minute talk into 5 minutes, and with one verse of the closing hymn we were done about 6-7 minutes late.

    Pro-tip to anyone in a Bishopric out there - if you're doing a missionary homecoming or farewell, have the missionary speak first. Let them say whatever they need to say (even if some of it leads to a future post like Dwight's). Also - if you've got a Auxiliary Presidency speaking, let the president go first! No one wants to hear for Counselors for the whole meeting, leaving 2-3 minutes for the president to just give a testimony to wrap up. Put the most important speakers first!

  17. #7907

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dwight Schr-ute View Post
    Not it wasn’t. The whole thing was like 25 minutes of her stream of consciousness. It was nice when little pieces of her mission language poked through, like when she said, “We had this investigator that we were really stoked about.” That made it a little more interesting. Mostly it was just confusing and disappointing, though. When she got choked up introducing herself, I knew we were in for it.


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    Did her talk include anything about the evils of legalized marijuana?
    The crux of what has traumatized us about CUF/CG is that we thought they were our friends. And their identity as BYU fans turned out to be the most important thing to them. What empty lives! What a damning indictment of the LDS Church!
    --SeattleUte

    He who drinks beer sleeps well. He who sleeps well cannot sin. He who does not sin goes to heaven. The logic is impeccable.
    --Charles W. Bamforth, Ph.D.

  18. #7908
    Senior Member originalsocal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eddie View Post
    I went to a Missionary homecoming Sunday. When you combine a stack of new 11 year-old deacons with an overflowing capacity crowd, it makes for a disastrous Sacrament portion of the meeting. Seriously, by the time they got done there were only 20 minutes left for the speakers.

    Next a sister gets up and says something along the lines of "The RM told me I could take all of the time. But I'm not going to do that - we want to hear what he has to say too!" Only, she then proceeds to speak for 15 of the 20 minutes remaining. Next comes a musical number (Come Thou Font, sung by members of the RM's family, accompanied by the RM) and by the time the RM gets up to speak, we've got 2 minutes left of meeting.

    The kid did a good job of condensing his 15 minute talk into 5 minutes, and with one verse of the closing hymn we were done about 6-7 minutes late.

    Pro-tip to anyone in a Bishopric out there - if you're doing a missionary homecoming or farewell, have the missionary speak first. Let them say whatever they need to say (even if some of it leads to a future post like Dwight's). Also - if you've got a Auxiliary Presidency speaking, let the president go first! No one wants to hear for Counselors for the whole meeting, leaving 2-3 minutes for the president to just give a testimony to wrap up. Put the most important speakers first!
    I agree. It's amazing how shaving off ten minutes has made it nerve-racking for members of Bishoprics.

  19. #7909
    Major disappointment The_Tick's Avatar
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    Our Bishop has decided that we will either have two adult speakers and no youth speakers, or two youth and 1 adult speaker. Genius if you ask me.

  20. #7910
    Huge Member BigPiney's Avatar
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    We got rid on the intermediate hymn. I think it may come back next month as I'd rather sing than listen to someone talk.

  21. #7911

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigPiney View Post
    I'd rather sing than listen to someone talk.
    Exactly.
    "What are you prepared to do?" - Jimmy Malone

    "What choice?" - Abe Petrovsky

  22. #7912
    Senior Member Katy Lied's Avatar
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    We had the same deacon round robin. All these 11 year olds, and all new. (We have 2 existing deacons, and about 7 new ones came in. No teachers, 1 priest who was blessing). They had no idea what to do and where to go. The experienced deacon had to physically go and point each deacon toward his assignment, and they offered the sacrament to the congregation before the bishop was served. (Do we really need to observe that convention?). I asked my husband why they didn't do a walk through the previous week in quorum and he replied "Probably because they were setting them apart." I looked at him incredulously.

  23. #7913

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    Quote Originally Posted by Katy Lied View Post
    I asked my husband why they didn't do a walk through the previous week in quorum and he replied "Probably because they were setting them apart." I looked at him incredulously.
    That was the mutual activity in our ward for the deacons. I think they revisited it this week (our mutual meets on Tuesday this year). And they were indeed conferring the priesthood on all the new deacons, and ordaining the new teachers and priests the first week.

  24. #7914
    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    Our new Deacons, Teachers, and Priests are doing a great job.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed most—watching BYU lose."

  25. #7915
    Senior Member Eddie's Avatar
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    There is a SUPER opinionated woman in our ward. There is no gray for her - everything is black and white. And apparently she's teaching her children all the correct principles she can come up with.

    In Primary last week the chorister asked the kids who they can follow Jesus and/or what kinds of things make God happy.

    This gal's son raises his hand, and then explained that we can follow Jesus by not praying like Catholics. Catholics just say the same stuff over and over and over. It's really annoying for God and he doesn't like it.

  26. #7916

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eddie View Post
    There is a SUPER opinionated woman in our ward. There is no gray for her - everything is black and white. And apparently she's teaching her children all the correct principles she can come up with.

    In Primary last week the chorister asked the kids who they can follow Jesus and/or what kinds of things make God happy.

    This gal's son raises his hand, and then explained that we can follow Jesus by not praying like Catholics. Catholics just say the same stuff over and over and over. It's really annoying for God and he doesn't like it.
    I imagine that I annoy God very much.

  27. #7917

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eddie View Post
    There is a SUPER opinionated woman in our ward. There is no gray for her - everything is black and white. And apparently she's teaching her children all the correct principles she can come up with.

    In Primary last week the chorister asked the kids who they can follow Jesus and/or what kinds of things make God happy.

    This gal's son raises his hand, and then explained that we can follow Jesus by not praying like Catholics. Catholics just say the same stuff over and over and over. It's really annoying for God and he doesn't like it.
    Temple service has got to be the single most annoying thing God has ever had to witness.

  28. #7918
    Strikes and Gutters chrisrenrut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by swampfrog View Post
    Temple service has got to be the single most annoying thing God has ever had to witness.
    Or thousands of sacrament prayers each week.

  29. #7919
    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bo Diddley View Post
    I imagine that I annoy God very much.
    Quote Originally Posted by swampfrog View Post
    Temple service has got to be the single most annoying thing God has ever had to witness.
    Quote Originally Posted by chrisrenrut View Post
    Or thousands of sacrament prayers each week.
    Excuse me. He said "by not praying like Catholics."

    Stay focused.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed most—watching BYU lose."

  30. #7920
    One man.....one pie Moliere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eddie View Post
    There is a SUPER opinionated woman in our ward. There is no gray for her - everything is black and white. And apparently she's teaching her children all the correct principles she can come up with.

    In Primary last week the chorister asked the kids who they can follow Jesus and/or what kinds of things make God happy.

    This gal's son raises his hand, and then explained that we can follow Jesus by not praying like Catholics. Catholics just say the same stuff over and over and over. It's really annoying for God and he doesn't like it.
    Ha! I was taught that growing up. I was also taught that aids was gods way of punishing gay people. In seminary I was taught that righteous native Americans will have their skin physically get lighter. Come to think of it, I was taught a lot of false things. Maybe that’s why I’m so messed up.
    "Discipleship is not a spectator sport. We cannot expect to experience the blessing of faith by standing inactive on the sidelines any more than we can experience the benefits of health by sitting on a sofa watching sporting events on television and giving advice to the athletes. And yet for some, “spectator discipleship” is a preferred if not primary way of worshipping." -Pres. Uchtdorf

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