My Colonoscopy

[myboynoah]

I’ve reached such an advanced age that my employer now requires a colonoscopy. Monday was my day. Having twice experienced ureteroscopic kidney stone removal, this was a breeze. I won’t bore you with stories of volcanic Colyte-induced bowel evacuations or my angst at entering the procedure room and seeing a long black tubular instrument sitting on the counter. It was notched at regular numeric intervals; the section I was able to see went from “40” to “60.” “40 to 60 whats?!?!?!?”

As they hooked me up in the procedure room, for some reason I was irritated that they stuck a nasal oxygen cannula in my nose. “I’m not some damned invalid for hell’s sake!” The doctor, whom I’ve never met, introduces himself. We shake hands. I ask if this will be on a video that I can get. Disappointingly, he says no, only a few pictures along the way. Next I’m asked to lay on my left side in a kind of fetal position as the anesthesiologist hooks me up with some very white liquid. I start feeling really good, and then I’m gone.

The rest is kind of a blur. They’re shouting at me to wake up, and I’m up. The doctor is there telling me things went well, nothing remarkable, two polyps which he removed that I shouldn’t sit by the phone worrying about. He shows us a picture of one of them. Then I’m getting dressed and wheeled out to the car.

Not such a blur for my wife. A few of my louder utterances in post-op:

To the doctor:

“So, do I have a large anus, or a small one?”

“How far up there did you go?”

“What did you do, shoot air up there?”

“I had two polyps!?!? Oh man!”

To my wife:

“They stuck a tube in my nose!”

“I don’t have to sit down! I can put my pants on standing up! I’m not an old man.”

“I had two polyps!?!? Oh man!”

Her retelling of it had the girls mortified and the boys falling off their chairs.

[pellegrino]

after reading that I about fell out of my chair.

[RC Vikings]

Do they play soft music and turn down the lights before they begin? I want my first time to special.

[wuapinmon]

Do I have a large anus or a small one?

That's gold. +1

[beelzebabette]

That's gold. +1

Will you be posting your scorecards at some point during the year? If so, how do the CUFfies work into the timing of your announcement? Will scores recalibrate to zero at that point or will you keep a cumulative CUF-lifetime tally?

[Teenage Dirtbag]

This thread is useless without pictur..

Oh wait, nevermind.

[wuapinmon]

Will you be posting your scorecards at some point during the year? If so, how do the CUFfies work into the timing of your announcement? Will scores recalibrate to zero at that point or will you keep a cumulative CUF-lifetime tally?

It's up to each person to keep track of their points. It's a lifetime tally.

+1 means I laughed out loud, or that I thought it was especially poignant, well-riposted, or thoughtful.

[Gidget]

Do I have a large anus or a small one?

That's gold. +1

This keeping score thing is odd.

[myboynoah]

You all can rest easy now. The doctor called yesterday and gave me a clean bill of health.

He made no comments on the size of my anus.

[Jarid in Cedar]

Not such a blur for my wife. A few of my louder utterances in post-op:

To the doctor:

“So, do I have a large anus, or a small one?”

“How far up there did you go?”

“What did you do, shoot air up there?”

“I had two polyps!?!? Oh man!”

To my wife:

“They stuck a tube in my nose!”

“I don’t have to sit down! I can put my pants on standing up! I’m not an old man.”

“I had two polyps!?!? Oh man!”

Her retelling of it had the girls mortified and the boys falling off their chairs.

The best part of Propofol(milk of amnesia) is that you probably said these things at least 5-6 times within 15 minutes. Propofol reminded me of when I had a concussion in football.

[byu71]

I remember when my current Dr., been going to him for about 10 years, was putting on the plastic glove and telling me to pull my drawers down.

Don't know exactly what I said, but he knew I wasn't happy about it. He firmly stated, "hey this isn't any fun for me either." I felt a sense of relief knowing that and have never had any thoughts about going to another Dr.

[Jarid in Cedar]

I remember when my current Dr., been going to him for about 10 years, was putting on the plastic glove and telling me to pull my drawers down.

Don't know exactly what I said, but he knew I wasn't happy about it. He firmly stated, "hey this isn't any fun for me either." I felt a sense of relief knowing that and have never had any thoughts about going to another Dr.

My line when I get resistance is "Trust me, this isn't exactly the highlight of my day either"

[byu71]

My line when I get resistance is "Trust me, this isn't exactly the highlight of my day either"

That is a good one too. I am sure someone on here will call me a "homophobe", but I just like knowing my Dr. isn't having any fun. Any sincere statement assuring me of that is appreciated.

[LA Ute]

My wife was in the room when I read this and asked me why I was laughing so hard. When I told her, she didn't want to know any more.

My recollections from that day, when I obediently responded to my internist's instructions that it was Time for The Colonoscopy:

*Propofol is good stuff. When they put the needle in my hand, I remember thinking, "Hey, I've never been under a general before, I am going to observe this experience and see what it's like." Next thing I knew I was being yelled at (gently) by the nurse, waking me up.

*I don't remember being told I had said anything silly. Then again, maybe that's why all the staff in the room acted a little embarrassed as they wheeled me out.

*The procedure is nothing. It's the "cleaning out" the night before that could be hellish. I just decided to have a sense of humor about it - and I marveled at the, ah, effectiveness of the stuff they gave me to drink.

[myboynoah]

The best part of Propofol(milk of amnesia) is that you probably said these things at least 5-6 times within 15 minutes.

Yeah, my wife said I wouldn't shut up. And I was loud.

So unlike me.